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After the yelling,
The broken glass and
Bent dreams that were
Thrown away in the black
Glad garbage bag
Hung over the knob of the cleaning cabinet.
The floor was dirty.

Covered in sticky, spilled beer and
Half empty soda cans.
Paper plates and coffee filters and
Ashes and cigarette butts and
Sorrow.

Littered with expectations and hopes
That spilled out of every orifice
Of the human who lost them.
Crushed by the weight of knowledge lost
When the blood came.

And when it came,
The soul escaped
Along with the hopes, dreams and
Expectations for the new beginning
That caused the end.

It shone and glittered
Casting light on the dank,
Claustrophobic nightmare that she ran to,
     Because running away
     Was too painful without a destination.
///

:bulletpurple: Is the ending to abrupt?
:bulletred: Is the listing effective or just annoying?
:bulletblue: Word choice? Do any words sound awkward to you?
:bulletblack: Overall opinion?

also, [link]
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:iconwaffle26:
waffle26 Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2011
This is a great poem. I love the imagery and the vibrant descriptions.
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:iconmonstersalsa:
MonsterSalsa Featured By Owner Sep 27, 2011   Photographer
1, I don't think the ending is to abrupt
2, Definatley effective!
3, Nope! Couldn't be better
4, I loooove it. It's got great flow and imagery. :clap:
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:iconarmahda:
Armahda Featured By Owner Aug 17, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
The fourth verse is my favourite absolutely! Now to your questions:
1/No the ending isn't abrupt: "Because running away
Was too painful without a destination" makes perfect sense to me!
2/effective
3/ great contrast of ideas EX. cleaning cabinet - dirty floor
4/ Great poem - keep it up!
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:iconroyalblackheart:
RoyalBlackheart Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2011   Writer
I'm not sure pointing out that the garbage bag is a 'Glad' brand is entirely necessary. I had to re-read that line a couple of times before it dawned on me exactly what was going on. That could be preference though, so I wouldn't focus on it to much.
The last line for the first stanza end so abruptly it takes away from the flow a bit. You may wish to break this off into another stanza.
Your second and third stanza I completely adore. It's simple, but it says a lot and I can picture the scene quite clearly. (:
For the forth stanza I would try a different word than 'expectations' again. Just a piece of advice; unless a poem is meant to have a repetition of words I don't suggest repeating the same word.
I feel you close the poem off effectively, and in fact quite strongly.

You have good word voice. (: Of the two poems that I critiqued for you, this one is defiantly my favorite. Nice work!
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 12, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
The Glad garbage bag bit was actually a pun, because of the fact that it's such a miserable environment... and the garbage bag is Glad... :D
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:iconwakip:
WaKip Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011   Writer
:bulletpurple: I don't believe so, I had a good idea what was going on and the ending at that time felt right, if you kept going on I probably would have felt that it was a few lines to much, with this it feels fine.
:bulletred:It felt weird and a little bit annoying to read it that way, because when you separate it feels the same as tossing a period there and we all know that kind of reading feels weird. I don't know what you could do to fix it to be honest, it would run on a bit if you put the sentences together.
:bulletblue:I enjoyed the word choices :)
:bulletblack:I liked this poem but it could use improvement 3.5/5
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:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
silverfleckedlullaby Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
I particularly like the first stanza and its second last line :heart: The imagery is particularly poignant there. However, I feel like the last line doesn't belong to that stanza and would be better off as a part of the second as suggested by ~sto67. I also think that the word 'dirty' isn't adequate enough to effectively create imagery, even though it's expanded upon in the second stanza. I'd suggest replacing it with another adjective, or re-structuring that line and replacing 'dirty' with another word, e.g. 'The _____ floor:,' in which case you could also string two nouns together with a hyphen to make your own adjective, like 'drain-gray' (totally random, first thing that popped up in my mind, but you get the idea).

The second stanza, which I presume you're referring to when you say 'listing,' is actually very effective because of the listing. It creates that sense of fatigue you're clearly aiming for. I know this is an emotional piece, and where the strongest of emotions are concerned words aren't always adequate, so although I feel the word 'sorrow' is a cliche, I can't really think of another word that would be more powerful.

I got a little confused by these two lines: "Crushed by the weight of knowledge lost/ When the blood came." That isn't a negative, though, I just want to know what you meant them to mean, and you might consider making it a clearer, sharper image, but it's not too necessary.

For the third and fourth stanzas, I would recommend playing around with words to create more complex imagery that sufficiently represents words like 'expectations,' 'hopes' and 'dreams' in order to eliminate them--this would make the poem more original and less tangential to cliche. The first two stanzas have just the right amount of banality in their imagery to give the sense of an everyday unpleasant event and avoid seeming cliche, and I think the third and fourth could be reworked to give the same effect.

I actually really like the last two lines, and think they make the ending just abrupt enough to be striking, and not too abrupt.

Overall, I think this piece conveys a great deal of the emotion behind it, which is extremely difficult to do, and takes a lot of talent. The imagery is fairly effective, and though more of it would be nice, it does portray the scene pretty well. Great work! :clap:
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Student Writer
I think I'm going to address your questions one by one:

-First, I feel as if this piece flowed wonderfully. There were never any moments were awkward wording caused me to stop reading, nor did poor structure.
-While there are quite a few obscure words in the piece, I feel that it is the reader's job to take part in the reading and finding out something they may not understand. It only benefits them.
-The imagery throughout your piece is great in the fact that it gives both the literal image and the implicit imagery of the author performing acts that could be described using the vocabulary you chose to use.
-To be honest, if this piece spanned another weeks time, I wouldn't mind. The conciseness of your individual parts makes the poem seem shorter than it actually is.
-The emotional impact for me was pretty drastic, due to the imagery it created.

I'd also like to comment on the fact that your alliteration was used very subtly through the piece and it gave the flow a bit more smoothness. Wonderful job.
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:iconmattvoscinar:
MattVoscinar Featured By Owner Aug 21, 2011  Student Writer
Ouch, I'm quite sorry. This was supposed to go somewhere else.
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the feedback! :)

In the first stanza, I selected the word "dirty" because of it's plainness in order to correspond with the simplicity of the sentence "The floor was dirty." I was going for a clash of the complex emotion with a simple thought.

As for the two lines you were confused by, basically what it means is that the floor (which is the continuing subject in the second and third stanzas) was crushed by the fact that knowledge was wasted when the blood came (when the girl was killed.) I thought about reversing it, but that wouldn't make sense because the lead-in to the next stanza is more crucial.

In the fourth stanza, the cliche is in place purposefully, because of the thoughts the girl had when choosing this new path.

Also, thanks for the favorite :D
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:iconsilverfleckedlullaby:
silverfleckedlullaby Featured By Owner Aug 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
You're very welcome :)
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:iconcelery-soda:
celery-soda Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Ugh, pressed enter before I had finished. Sorry.

Continuing with the longer lines thing, you use it to your advantage. Because of that, you can place something you want emphasis on in a shorter line -- like "Sorrow". Also, strong verb choice = something Celery likes seeing because she is very bad at using good verbs.

I also enjoy that your poetry is very clean, and unscattered. Mine is very much scattered, and while there is a place for it it is nice to see some like yours around too.
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:iconcelery-soda:
celery-soda Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
In my poetry, I tend to favor a mix of short and long lines, so it is refreshing to read this piece with it's lines of relatively similar length. I like where you place your words, it's emphatic. If "Glad garbage bag" is a pun on the fact that a brand of trash bag is named after something synonymous with happy, you get extra cookies.

I like the gradual build up of the trash, both literal and emotional/figurative, and how they mirror each other in that build up. I don't think your word choice is awkward. Am I right in thinking there is hope? You sort of "bookended" the poem with it -- the dreams in the beginning are "bent" instead of "broken" like the glass, and there is light at the end. Hm. Interesting.
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 10, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
There is a bit of hope, but not for the actual subject of the poem, because she's dead. But it is more in the sense that maybe she won't die in vain and others won't follow in her footsteps kinda thing.
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:iconzarathustras-crown:
Zarathustras-Crown Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011
This is a brilliant piece...I'm not kidding, in amongst the best I've seen on here. The imagery of the first two stanzas conveying a sense of...either immense turmoil or an actual situation of abuse. And you convey it in a very straightforward, cogent manner with the odd exception.

"Ashes and cigarette butts and
Sorrow"

For example, and then in the final stanzas there seems this building up of a "break"

"Crushed by the weight of knowledge lost
When the blood came."

And therein lies a kind of crossover point from the experiential to a sort of metaphysical or even dissociated awareness.

And when it came,
The soul escaped

And then all ties itself up with the uncertainty, represented in this way you hadn't offered in the first stanza, "it shone and glittered", qualitative as opposed to the quantitative description of what you're looking to convey. This is VERY well done, I don't know for certain if what I get from it is what you intend...but I don't know that it matters because the piece pulls off something few do, it builds a sense of proportion about itself, it builds this tension and darkness and then releases it in an almost psychedelic quality.

REALLY well done :)
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:iconheartofpoetry:
HeartofPoetry Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011
The way this is set up is perfect and very impactful :)
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you! I'm glad you liked it :)
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:iconlittlewhitefawn:
LittleWhiteFawn Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Why have you provided me with this link of which I know nothing about?
Also, thanks for the faves :)
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:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011   Writer
:bulletpurple: I think the ending works. It seemed like a natural place to end it, in my opinion.

:bulletred: I like the listings. It adds a lot of details, and you use really good descriptive words. And I quite enjoy the small hint of irony at the mention of the 'glad garbage bag'. So listing is effective.

:bulletblue: Most wording is good. but you may want to look at a couple things. On the first stanza 'bent dreams that were / thrown away' could be 'bent dreams / thrown away '. And 'black / glad garbage bag' is a tad awkward. Usually, using 'and' a lot in poems really bothers me, but here I think it works. and maybe 'along with the hopes, dreams and' could be 'along with the hopes, the dreams and'. Just some suggestions. =)

:bulletblack: Overall opinion. I like it. I think this is well written. Well done. =D
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 6, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks! I'll definitely take some of that into consideration :D
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:iconmadhat11d6:
MadHat11D6 Featured By Owner Aug 7, 2011   Writer
=) you're welcome
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:iconsto67:
sto67 Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
ending was good actually, was fairly poignant in comparison to the rest of the piece.

the listing was good, but a sentence fragment unless you change the punctuation after "The floor was dirty" to a em dash or semicolon.
i think the stanza break works, but you may consider adding that line to the 2nd stanza and see how that works for you.

your 3rd stanza is also a fragment. you may want to revise that, though it does work as a fragment.

i liked the way you mixed your ideas and imagery together. it works well and tells a story vividly.
the way i interpreted it was the persona seemed to be raped or violated at a party and this described the aftermath from the persona. i don't know if this is correct but it was how i read the piece.

keep writing!
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Thanks for the feedback!

The subject was actually a teenage runaway, and she ran to this drug house she knew about and got "in" with them. I tried to make that somewhat evident given the last two lines...
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:icondulcey:
Dulcey Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
i really like this poem! :)
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:iconpari-a:
pari-a Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011  Hobbyist General Artist
Aw, thank you! :blush:
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:icondulcey:
Dulcey Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2011
yw! :)
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